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<阅读分享> 拿什么拯救你,我们的婚姻?

上一篇 / 下一篇  2010-04-10 22:57:39 / 天气: 舒适 / 心情: 平静 / 个人分类:R for Reading

选自时代周刊。原始网址如下

 

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1978903,00.html

 

老公(男友)突然对你说,“我不再爱你了,我们分开吧。”

 

怎么办。

 

This Is Not the Story You Think It Is一书作者Laura Munson基于自己的亲身经历,介绍如何挽救婚姻。

 

斜体部分是时代周刊提问,接该书作者的回答。蓝色部分是我自己做的简单注解和点评

 

个人读下来,觉得作者介绍也许有一定的启发,但是否具备普遍意义,或者说,事到临头是否具备可操作性,存疑。需要智慧、勇气。当然还有运气。命。

 

Out of the blue, Montana writer Laura Munson's husband told her he wanted to leave, that he didn't love her. She calmly replied that she didn't buy it, sat back and let him figure it out. Four months later, following all the signs of a midlife crisis, he changed his mind and returned home. After Munson wrote about her story in the New York Times, she was inundated with requests for her secrets, which she reveals in her new book This Is Not the Story You Think It Is. Munson spoke to TIME about how she saved her marriage — and her sanity — by refusing to be her husband's problem. out of the blue表示“毫无征兆”,unexpectedly. Inundate大概相当于overwhelm, deluge,“铺天盖地而来”,用在这里挺合适的。Sanity,头脑清醒。)

 

Your spouse comes to you and says he doesn't love you anymore and thinks he never did. This is many people's nightmare. But your book is about happiness. Explain. Spouse表示配偶,用在这个场景下,很合适。或者说,平时大概实在不用说my spouse. 这里…says he doesn't love you anymore and thinks he never did这句确实很伤人,特别是never did…

 

One of the things we fear the most is being told we're unloved by the person we love. But I knew this man. I really saw this as a crisis of his own self and soul, and I felt like, regardless of the outcome, it was important to me to step out of his way and give him some room to work through this crisis. Marriage is about ebb and flow, and it felt important to practice some patience at that time. (这位女性很伟大,很特别。We are unloved by the person we love. 喜欢这句里的unlove,表示to cease to love,不再爱。Regardless of the outcome,不管结果如何。Marriage is about ebb and flow,婚姻总有起起伏伏,潮起潮落。)

 

So is it accurate to say that your strategy for handling this situation was to do nothing? (无为而治

 

It was not a strategy to stay married. It was a philosophy to preserve my well-being. For 20 years, I've been in a lot of pain, because I love to write but I now have 14 unpublished novels. That's a lot of rejection. With the death of my father and a big publishing deal falling apart simultaneously at the last minute, that's when it really peaked. I was faced with a choice: I was going to let this take me down, or I was going to learn to base my happiness on something that was within my control. I'd been working with this philosophy for several years before my husband had his own crisis. (看到这里会感慨,挫折与逆境真的会激发人的潜能,包括彻底改变处理挑战与危机的方法。“我这样不是为了保全我的婚姻,只是让自己能开心一些。”)

 

But wait — the guy doesn't come home. He doesn't call. You have no idea where he is. And you're fine with that?

 

I wasn't fine. In the book you see all sorts of inner tantrums I'm having. It wasn't that I was fine with it. It was just that I realized that if I engaged in the drama, there would be more pain. And we live in such a reactionary society that we think, in order to be powerful, we need to fight. I think that's a shame. inner tantrums,内心的躁狂,tantruma fit of bad temper. And we live…这句很经典。之前好像也有介绍过类似的,比如在Alain de Botton的演讲中。)

 

You wrote a column about this time in the New York Times, and the reaction to it was nuts. Were you surprised?

 

Oh, yes. Twenty years in total obscurity as a writer, then I write the short version of a memoir and suddenly I heard from people all over the globe. I had three clicks on my blogs the morning the story came out. By the end of the day, I had 3,000. I heard from soldiers deployed in Iraq, a woman in Lebanon whose therapist gave her the essay, and lots of people from Australia. Christians, atheists, Muslims, Jews — and Buddhists, lots of Buddhists. I heard from a lot of married people, but surprisingly enough, I heard a lot of unmarried people — old, young, gay, straight — saying, "You know, I have this relationship with my boss." (别的大家自己看吧,黑体这句喜欢。“二十年默默无闻,以爬格子为生”。Obscure,晦涩,这里表示没有名气,of undistinguished reputation.

 

Did anyone suggest you were just letting your husband walk all over you?

 

Some. But my response to that is, What's more powerful than going by instinct? Being in denial is having your head in the sand. Having your head in the moment is freedom. (啥也别说了,朗读,摘抄,体会吧。“有什么比跟随内心直觉走更强大有力呢?不愿面对现实,无异于鸵鸟,而活在当下则意味着自由”。)

 

Neither of you were having much success in your careers when this all blew up. Is your story about the toll that is taken when our dreams die?

 

I think it's a lethal equation when you base your happiness on career success, which is what we did. Neither of us ever signed up for the happily-ever-after myth or the you-complete-me idea. We were always independent people coming together. But both us really were driven in our careers. That's another reason I think so many people responded to that essay. In our current economy, so many people's relationships are taking hits because of career failure. Isn't it interesting that the minute I let go of my career and of my marriage, that that's when all this abundance started? Our marriage is working. I've got a book, and he's got this great new job he's just starting in the green-building industry. (“一旦你将幸福等同于职业成功,那将非常致命”。Lethal,致命的。下面一句很经典,“我们两个都不是那种相信‘灰姑娘童话’或‘你让我生命完整’之类说法的人。)

 

What have you said to your kids about all this?

 

We're not selling myths to our children. Parents are people too. Just like in any relationship, you go through a crisis, and you don't let it take you down. I'm proud that they get to go into their relationships with themselves and anyone else knowing that when a crisis happens, you don't have to panic. You don't have to take it personally, even if it's meant personally.

 

So that's another key — not taking things personally.

 

There's two things. One, people say all kinds of things in crisis. And the other thing is that when you know someone and you've been with them a long time, you know what to take at face value and what not to, even when you hear the worst.

 

But seriously, sometimes didn't you think you should just go drinking and staying out late as payback? (这样的事情发生在自己身上,去喝个酩酊大醉或者晚归,值得考虑一下?)

 

It wasn't like I was poor, pitiful Pearl that summer. I took a lot of care of myself. It's amazing how much beauty can be found in pain. poor pitiful Pearl大有来头,原为William Steig创造的卡通人物,大概有“小可怜”的意思吧。喜欢最后一句话。觉得痛苦的时候好好读一读。)



相关阅读:

苦等你的Mr. Right,还是接受一个Mr. Alright?

 

 


  • 4

  • TAG: 时代周刊 阅读 婚姻

    引用 删除 showtime   /   2012-03-12 14:04:50
    Good points all arnoud. Truly appreciated.
    引用 删除 Guest   /   2011-10-10 11:28:43
    5
    @Yolanda's 引用 删除 华超超   /   2010-04-26 22:53:33
    5
    引用 删除 Guest   /   2010-04-18 22:50:20
    5
    引用 删除 Guest   /   2010-04-12 14:07:27
    It's amazing how much beauty can be found in pain.

    Although it's encouraging to hear when people are in pain...and I buy it when I'm in pain.  However, I would still insist that there are much more beauty in happiness. We deserve to be happy.
    引用 删除 Guest   /   2010-04-12 14:07:19
    It's amazing how much beauty can be found in pain.

    Although it's encouraging to hear when people are in pain...and I buy it when I'm in pain.  However, I would still insist that there are much more beauty in happiness. We deserve to be happy.
    舒晓峰的个人空间 引用 删除 舒晓峰   /   2010-04-11 22:57:21
    嗲啊....
    舒晓峰的个人空间 引用 删除 舒晓峰   /   2010-04-11 22:56:45
    5
    昂立 林洁的博客 引用 删除 林洁   /   2010-04-11 22:38:36
    It's amazing how much progress can be found in pain. 【所有让人进步的事情都是令人不舒服的】
    Always on the way with Vivian. 引用 删除 杨钰   /   2010-04-11 21:45:39
    学习学习~
    引用 删除 mist   /   2010-04-11 19:30:23
    此女看似超乎寻常的冷静,也是基于对对方的充分了解吧,换个对手,或许方法就得不同了。

    谢谢分享,受教了,在这个婚姻可近可远的年纪。
    Home of Ning Ning 引用 删除 赵宁   /   2010-04-11 16:39:24
    很值得参考,先珍藏着,O(∩_∩)O~
    引用 删除 Guest   /   2010-04-11 14:35:55
    5
    Listen to Elaine 引用 删除 胡怡玲   /   2010-04-11 12:05:31
    5
    商务英语老师 小M 引用 删除 周宇   /   2010-04-11 10:45:25
    5
    引用 删除 Catherine   /   2010-04-11 01:38:07
    It's amazing how much beauty can be found in pain.
    记下了。
    一线天 引用 删除 杨洋   /   2010-04-10 23:59:04
    5
    引用 删除 芯伊   /   2010-04-10 23:43:36
    it's a lethal equation when you base your happiness on career success...

    It's amazing how much beauty can be found in pain...Still, it sounds pathetic...
    引用 删除 小叶子   /   2010-04-10 23:39:13
    沙发,喜欢这篇。。。。。
    引用 删除 Guest   /   2010-04-10 23:20:49
    5
     

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